I’ve learned that most parents seek out my services when they don’t know how to help their young athlete anymore.
Parents who seek out mental performance coaching for their children often feel compelled to “fix” a problem that they cannot solve. This comes with stress and anxiety that can cloud the decision-making process.
Entering into a mental performance coaching relationship with the wrong partner can lead to setbacks financially, emotionally, and from a performance perspective.
Here are three things that you need to know BEFORE you hire a mental performance coach for your young athlete.
1. Make sure your child is motivated to participate in the process.
I’ve learned that parents can be more motivated to work with me than their athlete. This is a problem.
We all need to give our kids a nudge sometimes. However, the risk of giving your kid a nudge to participate in mental performance coaching is probably greater than encouraging them to brush their teeth or study for their math test.
As I often share with parents in the discovery process, if all parties – athlete, parent, coach – are not on the same page, then they will likely be wasting a lot of time, money, and energy.
Mental performance coaching isn’t cheap – whether you hire me or someone else.
Mental performance coaching demands young people sacrifice their limited time.
Perhaps most importantly, mental performance coaching requires young athletes to have an open mind and question their normal way of thinking.
If the young athlete isn’t bought into mental performance coaching, then not only will you waste your money and everyone’s time and energy. You could also set them back because they are resentful of being forced into a relationship they don’t believe is helpful.
My suggestion to families would be: when in doubt, hold off on hiring a mental performance coach.
2. Find a coach that is accessible and is willing to invest time listening.
I often feel as though my work as a mental performance coach is done in a vacuum. I might meet with a client once per week for 45 minutes or so. I may have limited access to clients outside of our sessions.
This being the case, I often have only the athlete’s perspective to rely on. They are my primary client, so their experiences and information they give me is most valuable. However, there are many times where my athlete’s may have a blindspot that causes them to perceive their situation differently than how others see it.
I learned about a strategy called “triangulation” in my graduate sport psychology training. Triangulation is about considering information from multiple perspectives in order to best serve clients. The triangle typically consists of the athlete, the coach, and the parents.
I don’t always get a coach’s side of the story for a variety of reasons that would make a lot of sense if I listed them out.
However, I have to listen closely to my parents. It is critical for a number of reasons.
First, parents deserve to be heard. They make infinite sacrifices for their kids. They do their best to give their children valuable resources. This leads to all sorts of emotions that build up. Being understood just helps them.
Second, parents pay the bills. Their child is my primary responsibility. However, parents are my clients too. Mental performance coaching sessions with athletes are (mostly) confidential to ensure trust. However, I need to communicate with parents openly and often in order to be a trusted partner.
Finally and most importantly, parents see things that their children don’t see. Young athletes almost invariably think their parents are wrong, but more often than not they are right about their child. Their kid just won’t listen to their feedback, which is often the reason why they seek out a mental performance coach. Parents share critical observations and insights that help me do my job well.
Finding a mental performance coach that is willing to communicate consistently and openly is extremely valuable.
BUT…
3. Be willing to take your hands off the wheel and let your child drive the bus.
Tips 2 and 3 may seem contradictory. However, they are not.
My mission as a mental performance coach is to help young athletes become confident problem solvers. Learning how to solve their problems – both in and out of sport – requires them to take risks, make mistakes, reflect, and make changes to get better.
I understand the urge to give your children the answers to the proverbial test. I am a parent too. You might think…
Why do they have to fail and suffer when they can just take our advice and avoid it?
Because we are not on the field with them.
Because we are not at practice with them.
Because their coaches are giving them different advice.
Because one day, they will be forced to do it on their own.
And so on…
One of the greatest compliments that I’ve been given by young athletes is that I helped them to look at something differently.
I find that a young person’s ability to look at things from a different perspective requires giving them the space to decide whether a piece of information is valid on their own. Put another way, they don’t want to be told how to think (or what to do).
I know it’s hard for parents. It might require intentional practice for you to let go of control. However, that’s why you hire a mental performance coach who is a good listener so that you can vent to them and let your kid drive their own bus.
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Please let me know your thoughts by emailing me directly at michael@ftbcoaching.com.