Talking to Young Athletes: Why Our Words Matter More Than We Think
Fear of failure. Perfectionism. A kid who used to love the game and now dreads it.
Over a few weeks, I got several calls from parents describing the same thing. One conversation stuck with me. A father wanted to know why his son seemed so afraid of making mistakes, and somewhere in that call we landed on a question neither of us expected: what was he saying to his son about the game?
Not what he meant. What he said.
Talking to young athletes is one of the most powerful tools a parent has, and one of the easiest to get wrong. The words we choose shape how our kids feel about their sport, how motivated they stay, and whether they still want to play a few years from now.
Here’s what the research says about why our words matter, and three tips you can start using this week.
Why Talking to Young Athletes the Right Way Affects Motivation
Psychologists Richard Ryan and Edward Deci developed self-determination theory, one of the most studied explanations of motivation. It says people stay motivated when three needs are met:
- Autonomy: feeling like you have a choice in what you do.
- Competence: feeling like you’re capable and improving.
- Relatedness: feeling connected to and supported by the people around you.
When those needs are met, young athletes play because they want to. When they aren’t, motivation starts to come from outside: pleasing a parent, avoiding criticism, earning praise. That kind of motivation fades fast, and it’s often where fear of failure and perfectionism grow.
Parents can support all three needs, and much of it comes down to how we approach talking to young athletes.
Controlling vs. Supportive Feedback
Research on coaches and parents separates feedback into two kinds.
Controlling feedback puts conditions on approval. It often sounds like praise, but there’s a catch attached:
“Great job today, EVEN though the other team wasn’t very good.”
The athlete hears the second half louder than the first.
Supportive feedback is unconditional, positive and informational. It tells the athlete what they did well, with no strings:
“I am proud of the effort you showed today.”
“You seemed committed to improving yourself all throughout today’s practice.”
“I love how you refocused after that last run and persevered through that difficult inning.”
Supportive feedback builds trust. It tells young athletes they have a say in their own development, and that your support doesn’t depend on the scoreboard.
3 Tips for Talking to Young Athletes
One. Choose your words wisely
Some words carry more pressure than we realize. “Should.” “Just.” “Need.” “Always.” “Never.”
“JUST throw strikes.”
“You SHOULD have made that play.”
“You NEED to focus.”
Each of these turns a hard skill into a simple one the athlete somehow failed at. If throwing strikes were that easy, they’d already be doing it. Absolutes like “always” and “never” do the same thing to a young athlete’s sense of who they are.
Instead, put the focus on the process and the effort, the things your athlete controls, rather than the outcome. Effort and attitude are a choice. A strikeout isn’t.
Two. Timing matters
When it comes to talking to young athletes, the right words at the wrong time still land wrong.
During games, that means skipping the coaching and criticism from the sidelines. Your athlete already has a coach. From the stands, the most useful thing you can be is a calm, steady presence.
After games, it means thinking about the car ride home. Researchers at the University of Toronto have studied these post-game conversations, and the pattern is familiar to most sports parents: a frustrated athlete, a parent with feedback, and a small space neither can leave.
Two simple changes help. Let your athlete start the conversation about the game. Or give them time to cool down before you bring it up. If they want to talk, ask what they noticed before you share what you saw.
Three. Hold yourself accountable
Talking to young athletes well is a skill, and skills take practice.
Try keeping a short log after games and practices. What did you say? How did your athlete respond? What would you say differently next time? It doesn’t need to be long. A few lines in your phone is enough.
We ask young athletes to reflect on their performance all the time. This is the same thing, for us. (And yes, I’ve had car rides I’d like to do over.)
The Long Game: Keeping Young Athletes in Sports
Most young athletes won’t play professionally. Many won’t play in college. So the real long-term goal is simpler: that they keep playing, keep enjoying it, and don’t burn out.
Talking to young athletes in a way that supports autonomy, competence and connection is one of the best ways to get there. It’s not easy to change habits we’ve had for years. But it’s worth it.
You’re human. You won’t get it right every time. Start with one change this week, and notice what happens.
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Frequently Asked Questions About Talking to Young Athletes
What should I say to my child after a bad game?
Often, less than you think. Let them start the conversation, or give them time to cool down. When you do talk, recognize their effort and ask what they noticed before offering your own observations.
What is the best way of talking to young athletes about mistakes?
Focus on what they control: effort, attitude and how they responded after the mistake. Avoid words like “just” and “should,” which make hard skills sound easy and add pressure.
Why does the car ride home matter so much?
It’s often the first conversation after a game, when emotions are still high and neither of you can walk away. Researchers have studied these conversations because they can shape how young athletes feel about their sport.
What is autonomy-supportive communication?
It’s a way of talking to young athletes that gives them a sense of choice and ownership. Instead of telling them what they should have done, you recognize their effort, ask questions and support their own goals.
Can the way parents talk lead to burnout?
It can contribute. When young athletes feel their parents’ approval depends on results, their motivation shifts from enjoying the sport to avoiding disappointment, which is linked to fear of failure, perfectionism and dropping out.
References
Azimi, S., & Tamminen, K. A. (2020). Parental communication and reflective practice among youth sport parents. Journal of Applied Sport Psychology.
Mageau, G. A., & Vallerand, R. J. (2003). The coach-athlete relationship: A motivational model. Journal of Sports Sciences, 21.
Reeve, J. (2016). Autonomy-supportive teaching: What it is, how to do it. In W. C. Liu, J. C. K. Wang, & R. M. Ryan (Eds.), Building Autonomous Learners (Chapter 7). Springer.
Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1).
Tamminen, K. A., Poucher, Z. A., & Povilaitis, V. (2017). The car ride home: An interpretive examination of parent-athlete sport conversations. Sport, Exercise, and Performance Psychology, 6(4).
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Michael Huber, MA, CMPC® holds a master’s degree in sport psychology. He helps young athletes ages 14 to 22 be themselves when everyone is watching, including learning how to navigate overthinking under pressure. Learn more about Michael